Ok, I have a theory. I’m fairly certain that there is a
black hole in the back of my dryer. I have an entire basket full of socks that
have no matches, and no two are even close enough to the same color to fake it.
There are argyle socks and sports socks, socks with ruffles and socks with
glitter, holiday socks and socks with bows. There are socks with bunnies and
socks with watermelons, popcorn socks and socks with devils. There are great
big socks that wandering trolls must’ve stashed in my basket, and socks too
tiny to belong to human feet. There’s even half a sock, and I’ve no idea how it
got that way.
What do I do with them all?
I suppose I could take all these lone survivors and create
an army of sock puppets with them. With a vast force of technicolored sock
warriors at my command, we could invade the laundromats and sock drawers of the
world, recruiting other lost and lonely souls, stocking the ranks with minions
of every shape and size. Then we shall march across the globe, leaving nothing
but destruction and static cling in our wake as we quest to destroy all creepy
sock monkeys everywhere. I hate sock monkeys. Monkeys in general aren’t high on
my list, actually.
Or maybe I could cut them up like that lonely half sock I
found, then stitch them together to make blankets for the poor. Lovely knit
blankets in every color imaginable, covered with bold polka dots and ponies,
Pink Panthers and Pooh Bears… surely they’d be appreciated for their artistic
value as much as for their warming qualities. I could donate them to charity,
get my kids at school to help sew them together, to donate all their lonely
socks as well. 750 kids must have a lot of missing socks.
Darn it. Either of those would be a full time job,
unfortunately. And I kind of like my job. Usually. I think instead maybe I’ll
make all those socks into a cozy bed for my sword. Soon to be swords! The
collection has begun. Mwahahahaha. Ya, really, that’s not good. I already have
too many pricey hobbies. But all these soft, lonely socks would make a great
cushion for a new sword. Swords! I have enough in this basket to cushion
several in multicolor knitted comfort, protecting them from all hostile
elements. I could lovingly wrap my blades in softness, keeping them free of cat
hair and the puppy-slobber that seems to get everywhere.
And as a bonus, I could wear them at events! I could change
between matches, never wearing the same pair twice. Probably I could get away never
wearing even the same sock twice. Even with all the variation in pattern and
design, I have nothing nearly as fun as the snazzy Maryland-flag patterned or
rainbow-y ones I saw at Shortpoint, and bizarrely, nothing as plain as a single
colored one in the bunch. Oh! And I could use them to clean the swords too! No
chance of scratching a blade or anything with the cushiony comfort of zebra
stripes or ladybug socks. Maybe I could even set up a table next time- spare
socks for when your elastic’s blown, or for when you need to wipe down a blade.
I know! Bring all your own singles- maybe we can make a match!
If nothing else,
we can get a head start on that sock puppet global domination thing.
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